Go Last in Leadership, Never in Your Own Life

There was a time in my life when I had worked six days a week for nearly seven years. My kids were little. I had just become the executive director of the non-profit I run. And I knew, deep down, that I needed to slow down. I needed to spend more time with my kids, who also needed me.

So, that’s what I did. One day, we went to the snow. I was pushing my daughter down the sledding hill, and I broke my ankle. A trimalleolar fracture, it was called, a severe type of ankle break where three distinct bones or sections of the ankle joint are broken simultaneously.

At the emergency room, they assumed I’d just slipped sledding and let other patients go ahead of me. When they finally called my name, the doctor opened the door, took off my Ugg boots, took one look at my leg, and said, “We have a deformity. Get the morphine.”

The pain was excruciating, and it was weeks before it was under control.

Here’s what I didn’t want to admit: I knew. Deep down, I knew the injury was more serious than what others assumed, and more serious than I let on. But I allowed myself go last, not letting the receptionist know the severity, because that’s what I was so used to doing.

What I didn’t realize was that by putting my own care at the back of the line, I was delaying the treatment I desperately needed. I was making things worse for myself and adding time to my recovery.

Here’s the bottom line, and the reason I’m telling you: I waited until something really bad happened to change.

Yes, by all means go last. Here’s when it’s right, and why it’s effective leadership:

• When your team is under pressure. In a crisis or a crunch, the leader who takes the hardest part, or the last slot, shows people they aren’t carrying it alone.
• When it’s time to share credit and take responsibility. Let your team have the spotlight when things go well. Stand in front of them when things don’t.
• When you’re deciding who gets heard first. Speaking last in a meeting lets your people give their honest thinking before yours shapes it.
• When opportunities come up. Handing the visible project, the stretch assignment, or the speaking slot to someone on your team builds their confidence and their ownership.
• When resources are tight. Making sure your people are covered first, with time, support, and recognition, is leadership at its best.

In each case, going last is a decision made on purpose, from strength, for the good of your people.

Go last. Just not at the expense of your soul. Not at the expense of your wellbeing.

There’s a well-known idea in leadership, from Simon Sinek’s book Leaders Eat Last, that great leaders go last, putting their people first. Sinek traces it to a conversation with a Marine Corps general, who told him, “Officers eat last.” He describes watching the most junior Marines eat first while the most senior went to the back of the line. Leaders who are willing to go last, he argues, earn deep loyalty from the people they serve.

I believe in all of it. The nurturing skills that make you care so deeply about your people are real strengths. Keep them.

The age-old line “lead by example” is another one. We’re told to be the leader people look up to: hardworking, dependable, trustworthy. And that’s all well and good, but when we take it too far… What exactly are we modeling?

A leader who works every weekend, ignores every warning sign, and says “I’m fine” until her body makes the decision for her is teaching her team exactly what leadership costs. 

What it costs

First, your own goals stay in “someday.” The book, the business, the trip, the change. They wait for a calmer season that never arrives, because the calm keeps getting spent on someone else’s urgent need.

Second, your team is watching. Leaders set the norm for what’s acceptable. If the leader never rests, never asks for help, and never says no, the people around her often conclude that this is the price of leading.

Third, your own judgment suffers. Decisions made on empty tend to be more reactive and less considered.

Three practices to start with

1. Choose your yes. Keep caring. Drop the reflex. Before you say yes, ask: “Am I choosing this, or is this a habit?”
2. Put one thing on your calendar that is only yours. Not a task. Not a favor. Something connected to what you want. Treat it like a meeting with someone you respect.
3. Let your team own more. Empowering people to make decisions is part of good leadership, and it gives you room to breathe.

You don’t need a broken leg

You need to treat the first warning as the warning. Exhaustion. Resentment. The thing you keep postponing. Those are the early signs, and they’re easier to hear before your body sounds the alarm bells.

What’s your version of the snow trip: the warning you’ve been hearing and haven’t acted on yet? Tell me in the comments.

Remember, by all means, go last. But never at the expense of your soul.